Old Journal Entry - Living in forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to live life as a forgiven person. This reality should influence our approach to everything. I came across an old journal of mine that I wrote while in China. It is a prayer I wrote while meditating on Psalm 51. It meant something to me today when I found it so maybe it will mean something to you too.

Dated 1/21/05
Psalm 51
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit. A broken and contrite spirit You will not despise."
"You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place."
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

My sins are great, God. Selfishness invades me. I can do little without expecting something in return. My thoughts often wander to power and lust. Yet at least I know enough, or am at least scared enough not to act these out. You desire more! You desire to transform my inmost place, my soul.

I long to live fully from the heart. Help me to see clearly the lies of the evil one. You are the reason I can be transformed. You forgive; You save. You desire faith - faith that believes You, faith that can transform me, faith that results in brokenness at my inability to follow you fully. Restore me.

Give me a free life - a life that is free to trust my heart because my heart is Your heart. Then you will be glorified in me! A sacrifice was used to restore man's relationship with you. In order to restore our relationship, you don't require more outward actions, but an inner contrite heart.

It is true that you require obedience, movement, and passion, but these can not be faked. They must come from the core, from a pure heart. Father, I have lost my brokenness here, forgive me. In my obedience I have become hard-hearted and prideful. The things I do for you are either because I can't live without them (like my time with You) or because I am supposed to do them (it's my job). While this is good, I want to do them because of who I am ... who I have become in You.

I can think of no better thing than a truly transformed heart living out of free passion. You will do this in me, but first I must desire it, and I must be broken over my lack of it. Through brokenness comes forgiveness and transformation. Help me to see fully who You are, Father, that I might also see who I am. This will result in brokenness, gratitude, salvation, and power. Praise You God, for what you will do in me. May you be glorified.